The Bittersweet Reality of Adult Friendships

Is It Just Me, or Are Adult Friendships Really Hard?

As a kid, friendship often felt effortless. I saw my friends at school every day. We had sleepovers, inside jokes, spontaneous adventures, and seemingly endless time together. I didn't have to schedule a phone call three weeks in advance or wonder when I’d next see my friends.

As kids, we don’t realize we’re living in the golden era of friendship. We don’t know it’s the good old days because, to us, it’s just life. We see our friends every day. We go to school and play sports together. We have playdates, go to the movies, get ice cream, hang out at the park, wander around downtown, and do all the little things that feel so ordinary at the time. We don’t think twice about it because we assume it will always be this way.

And then you grow up.

No one prepares you for how a friend group may slowly start moving away. We promise each other that we will meet up once a month. We will stay in touch, for sure. We meet up two or three times, but then life hits. New career, new relationships, new paths, new friends even. Suddenly, those plans become memories. 

Why must we schedule a phone call, a PHONE call, three weeks in advance? Want to meet up in person? Oops, looks like we need to schedule months in advance. Why is it like this? Is this how it’s like to maintain friendships as an adult? 

The part I miss the most is the spontaneity of it all. The casual, “Wanna go for a walk at the park this afternoon?” or “Want to come over and color or do arts and crafts?” The kind of plans that didn’t need to be made weeks in advance because we were just… available. We had the time. We made the time.

I don’t want every hangout to require a calendar invitation weeks, or even months, in advance. I remember reaching out to someone I hadn’t seen in forever, someone I really wanted to catch up with, at the beginning of summer. I asked if she was free to get together the following week, and her response was something along the lines of, “This is crazy, but can we schedule something two months out?”

TWO MONTHS OUT?? WHAT?!

I wasn’t upset with her. Honestly, so many people seem to live this way now. We’re busy. We have responsibilities, work, relationships, school, the list goes on and on. I know that making plans in advance is sometimes just part of being an adult. But why does making plans with friends feel like a full-time job? Especially given that we juggle multiple friend groups. 

But I think what gets me is that something as simple as spending time with someone you care about can feel so complicated now. And I hate that–that something that once felt so effortless can take months of planning just to make happen. 

I miss when seeing your friends didn’t have to be a whole thing. When you could just want to see someone and actually see them.

It’s interesting how society can value friendships. I’ve been told by other friends, “I only see my friends 1-2 times a month.” And somehow me wanting to see them every other week (or maybe every week) is too much/too demanding. But why? 

Something else I’ve been struggling with is how hard it can be to reach people and just get a response. We are seemingly more connected now than ever—social media, c’mon. And yet, I sometimes find it surprisingly hard to get in touch with people.

I always put it back on me. Do they not like me enough to respond? It takes a second, a minute, to send a reply, even if it’s just “I don’t know yet” to a plan or question, or “Hey, sounds great, will lyk!” Sometimes, even the smallest response can make a difference.

I’m someone who likes to respond ASAP when I can. I don’t like leaving messages unanswered, and I try to get back to people when I’m able to. But I also know that everyone communicates differently, and we all have our own things going on. I also know that many people have hundreds of unread messages on their phones—I’ve seen it on friends’ phones and my sister’s.

I think what I struggle with most is not always knowing where I stand with people when I don’t hear back from them. I have closer friends who I sometimes won’t hear from for a week or more, and even though I know life gets busy, I still miss them. Sometimes I wish I could get a little “Been busy! Hope you’re doing well. Let’s catch up soon!” Just a little reminder that we’re still there for each other, even when life gets hectic.

Am I the only one who feels this way? Don’t get me wrong, I have many friends who are great at keeping in touch, and I’m so grateful for them. But I think I’m still learning how to navigate the friendships that look a little different now than they used to.

I miss people. I miss talking to them, knowing what’s going on in their lives, and feeling like I’m still a part of it. I want to hear from them. And I think that's what makes this so hard sometimes.

I’m trying to get better at checking in with friends. I try to be the initiator, the planner. I like reaching out and saying, “Hey, it’s been forever! Miss you! When can we catch up?” Yet, more and more often, I find myself wondering: If I stop making an effort and showing up, would the friendship still exist?

And this is really, really hard to sit with.

All in all, I am still learning how to navigate adult friendships when all of us are busy, busy, busy. I know that people are busy, that life changes, that everyone has different priorities and capacities. 

I just wish it didn’t have to feel like such a hassle to reach out, schedule a call, or take a minute to text back. I know adult life is busy, but I wish staying connected to the people I love didn't feel so difficult. I miss when being there for each other happened without having to think so much about it.